25 April 2020. The Karpathian foothills.

Goalkeeper Amir Agalarov is on the MFC Mykolaiv bench, waiting for the game at Prykarpattya to get under way.

I’m hoping that Yaroslav Kotlyarov will get injured in the first minute. Not badly, of course: I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. But just enough for him to have to come off, so that I can take his place.

7TH MINUTE: Oh, Kotlyarov! Ok, it was low down, just inside the near post. But you should have done better. It wasn’t struck hard. Tbh, you looked a touch arthritic.

9TH MINUTE. Atrocious marking by our defence at a corner. Can’t really blame Kotlyarov for that one — although I didn’t see much in terms of communication.

27TH MINUTE: No blame on the goalie whatsoever — even I have to admit that. We left a player totally unmarked on the back stick. End of.

36TH MINUTE: Derbach steals round the back of our defence. Kotlyarov deserved better protection. That said, he’s looking positively arthritic. I might not be playing this match, but am now sure I will be next. I must try not to look pleased that we’re four down.

62ND MINUTE: Kotlyarov again lacked protection. But he made no effort. He’d say he dived to try to make a save: my eyes say he just crumpled in a heap.

The boys look shot. We didn’t see this coming, Make no mistake, this is the performance of a team that’s going down.

70+ MINUTES: The gaffer asks me to get warmed up. As he speaks to me, a voice in my head is chanting, ‘Sacked in the morning, you’re getting sacked in the morning’. Actually, they might not wait that long.

78TH MINUTE: I’m on. And pretty much assured of starting the next game. Unlike the gaffer.

Photo by Absent69 (CC BY-SA 4.0 licence)

2 thoughts on “What the goalie said to himself

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